From BBC News

The mystery of Ireland’s worst driver

Details of how police in the Irish Republic finally caught up with the country’s most reckless driver have emerged, the Irish Times reports.

He had been wanted from counties Cork to Cavan after racking up scores of speeding tickets and parking fines.

However, each time the serial offender was stopped he managed to evade justice by giving a different address.

But then his cover was blown.

It was discovered that the man every member of the Irish police’s rank and file had been looking for – a Mr Prawo Jazdy – wasn’t exactly the sort of prized villain whose apprehension leads to an officer winning an award.

In fact he wasn’t even human.

Prawo Jazdy is actually the Polish for driving licence and not the first and surname on the licence,” read a letter from June 2007 from an officer working within the Garda’s traffic division.

“Having noticed this, I decided to check and see how many times officers have made this mistake.

“It is quite embarrassing to see that the system has created Prawo Jazdy as a person with over 50 identities.”

The officer added that the “mistake” needed to be rectified immediately and asked that a memo be circulated throughout the force.

In a bid to avoid similar mistakes being made in future relevant guidelines were also amended.

And if nothing else is learnt from this driving-related debacle, Irish police officers should now know at least two words of Polish.

As for the seemingly elusive Mr Prawo Jazdy, he has presumably become a cult hero among Ireland’s second largest immigrant population.

I bet he has! Knowing Poles, it’s very likely they have actually told the policemen that it’s their very name. Perhaps the 51st just wasn’t able to do it with straight face.

The Irish police might want to learn a thing or two about the Polish grammar. Female first names always end with an ‘a’. That’s the law! Male first names tend to end with a consonant.

Words ending with an ‘o’ indicate the neutral gender, so it’s neither he nor she, only it. Dziecko – baby, mleko – milk, miasto – city, ciasto – cake, prawo – law.

The one exception worth bothering with is Mieszko, however, the majority of guys boasting of this name look something like this.

Make sure he doesn’t carry a sword behind the passenger’s seat.

Permis de Conduire printed at the top of the licence isn’t a name either, even if some fancied it’s an Earl Permis of Conduire.

The Irish police might also want to check how many times an individual named Dowód Osobisty (Personal ID) caused them all kinds of troubles.

Rzeczpospolita Polska is not a woman, even though some claim to the contrary.

pjk1

Caution: Gregorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz could be a real name, but there exists a great danger that its owner is charged with all possible diversions, including the direct outburst of WWII. Make sure he’s not similar to this man.

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For the last two weeks we’ve been watching the trip itinerary of Lech Kaczyński, the President of Poland.

For those uninformed it looks something like this:

The Government: “It’s not a holiday season, Mr. President”

President, stomping his foot: “I wanna go.” Boooo…

The president wants to go to an EU summit and have his say in our politics. The thing is that not everyone can have their say. Neither the president, nor you, nor I. There is the government, with the prime minister, chosen in democratic elections, and they are the only guys who have the right to say anything about how the country should be governed.

The president seems to think that the word “president” before his name implies that he’s some kind of George W. Bush. Well, no, not in Poland. The president of Poland is nothing like the American president. He can accept or reject the government’s propositions, but if he rejects them the Senate can outvote him. He can send our army to a war… And that’s pretty much all he can.

Otherwise he’s not like a president, he’s like the British Queen, and I don’t recall Elizabeth II go to EU summits and decide about the UK’s politics.

Unfortunately Mr. Kaczyński isn’t the only person oblivious as to his competencies. An average Pole has about the same picture of the presidency in Poland. They vote for people who have certain opinions about politics, while all they should do is to choose the best looking candidate. The president, like the English royalty, should be just for representing us at various functions, looking nice, smiling a lot (or as much as a Pole can), and chatting up other kings and queens about weather.

Who should be our president then?

The Pontiff seems an obvious choice. Unfortunately he’s dead, but then we might use one of the many monuments, and let his moral authority do the rest.

It was proven that Polish girls aren’t gorgeous, but surely we could find one. How about Ms. Szapołowska?

Grażyna Szapołowska

She’s not very clever, but that might be for the best. She can act though, and that’s even better!

We might also go sentimental and get ourselves a king. Following the May 3 Constitution here’s our guy:

Prince Alexander of Saxe-Gessaphe

Prince Alexander of Saxe-Gessaphe

See? He smiles!

OK, I know, he looks rather German, but then he is German, like the British royalty anyway. On the other hand he’s Catholic. Wait! A German Catholic? That’s like the pope! Which leads me to…

Since we’re such a Catholic country anyway, why not give the crown to Vatican?

Emblem of the Papacy

Emblem of the Papacy

There are very good points for:

  1. Our king would be above all other kings.
  2. He would have a cool triple crown.
  3. And a genuine power via God’s grace.
  4. He’d be the best of all Catholics!
  5. Father Rydzyk and alike would be successfully prevented from criticising the head of our state.
  6. Our king would care more about heavenly wisdoms than earthly goods.
  7. All popes would learn Polish.
  8. No newspaper would laugh at Polish kings without risking offending all of the Catholics in their country.
  9. Our country would be supported by over billion people all over the world.
  10. He’s already rich, so he’d cost us less than presidents. We’d save on bodyguards too. The Swiss take care about it.
  11. He’s already the head of Vatican, and you don’t hear that they’re going bankrupt any soon.
  12. The papal emblem would have the Polish eagle.
  13. Our kings wouldn’t be boring. I heard the next one will be black.

… 100. The pope already has a plane!

Are there any againsts? Nope. There’s no reason to suspect the king of Poland of any mischief, because traditionally our kings have nothing to say, and the popes, unlike the Kaczyński bros, are famous for their adherence to tradition.

We might also go the Polish route and choose a Czartoryski. That would be this one:

Prince Adam Karol Czartoryski

Prince Adam Karol Czartoryski

Guess where he lives! Yep, the Isles. He smiles the Polish way though, and he’s the Spanish king’s first cousin.

But then since we can give the crown to anyone, why not choose freely? How about…

King Abdullah

King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia

Just think of the hectolitres of cheap fuel!

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